Lately, I've been feeling like there's something 'calling' myself to think about a certain topic that I have never talked about with anyone and that's about skin tone. As a woman, a young adult to be precise, I can't lie but to admit that I have also had times when I was insecure about myself. My skin tone.

This started when I was younger, probably around 9-10 years old. I used to have a dark tone originally compared to my friends back then and I loved to play outside. I had always been playing outside under the sun and perhaps it's what made me looked even darker (I wish I could put a picture of those times but considering I don't really like showing myself to the internet unless for those I actually trust, then no pictures I suppose😛). I played kites, hide and seek, I played with muds and dirt and everything (yikes, I know. I was such a "nature kid" but I'm proud of it. At least I've had such experience in the past).

Then as I grew up, I barely played outside as my neighborhood friends were also getting busier at school and we basically didn't have enough time to actually played outside anymore and so my skin turned slightly lighter as I stayed inside most of the times, but still I considered myself looked dark. And I didn't like that.

So I had tried certain skin products that claimed to make skin tones brighter (the so-called "whitening" products, SPF-you-name-how-much-the-number-is, etc.), tried to avoid the sunlight as much as I could and I did get lighter and brighter to the point that people noticed it and compared how much I've changed. They said I was prettier and that back in the day before that, I was so much darker.

I wasn't insulted at all. In fact I was proud and happy. To me, it showed how much my effort was paid off and how I could be just like anyone else. Just like the society. Reaching the 'beauty standard' in Indonesia.

But then I came to 'meet' people offline and online and saw people online, mostly those who are "whites" and of course I have always known that they have a different 'beauty standard' than what we have here in Asia. They love dark tones and consider Indonesians with "our original skin tone" is gorgeous and "exotic".

Then this kind of toxic thought had a chance to change me. For a bit. But not for a long time.

This toxic thought made me believe that it's true. That dark tones are "exotic". That dark tones are much more beautiful. That light tones are considered nothing at all there. And that if you keep your tones dark, even the "original native Indonesian" tones, you will be seen as a gorgeous exotic queen in their world. 

This had a chance to make me feel like I wanted to be under the sun as much as I could. I wanted to get my "original native Indonesia" tone back. I wanted to look dark. I wanted to look "exotic". I wanted to look gorgeous. I wanted to look outstanding. I wanted to attract these people. I didn't want to keep my light tone any longer.

But this toxic thought apparently had no power against myself.

It didn't last long.

"Original native Indonesian skin".

I scoffed. That phrase came to my ears as if the world only knew that us Indonesians only have the so-called "dark and exotic skin tones" (or perhaps it is what the world actually knows and believes). They forgot (and apparently, made us forget) that Indonesia have so many different skin tones from "light" to "dark" or from "dark" to "light".

Being light or having light tones doesn't make you less Indonesian or less "exotic". Not at all.

And I got tired of the phrases like "dark tones are exotic" and "light tones are gorgeous".

I got tired of people saying they prefer dark tones because they have light tones and people saying they prefer light tones because they have dark tones. Or people saying they prefer dark tones because they indeed already have dark tones and people saying they prefer light tones because they indeed already have light tones.

Why making a fuss?

Why did I care too much about people and societies' preferences on "beautiful skin tones"?

Why did I put so much effort into making myself liked by others?

Why didn't I try to just simply be myself; with any skin tones that I have, whether it's light or dark, whatever people say about me?

Why didn't I just be proud of myself and how I was built?

Why did I become so easily insecure about myself?

I'm writing this because for several times I've had hard times keeping myself confident about myself. And people over-embracing and over-proud of their own skin tones also had driven me insane.

I got jealous by those who over-proud of their dark tones. Because they knew they were "exotic" and the "whites" (or "bule", as we call the white foreigners here in Indonesia) love them (so what?) and so they post too many pictures of themselves showing and embracing their dark skin to the internet. I got jealous and fiery by those who showed to the world that they were glad, happy and confident of their dark tones (even if they didn't explicitly state that through their captions). I got jealous by those who knew (even if they never written that in their captions) that the "white males" would die to get and have such an "exotic" woman like them. Or that the "white females" would die to get a dark skin like them, blah blah blah.

I got offended by those who preferred light tones were better and that it stated that it was the cleanest and most gorgeous skin tone of all times and that it was what made you easier to find a job here in Indonesia, and blah blah blah.

I got tired of all their preferences. Or when people said "You were dark? That's sooo cool😍😍" or gave you "likes" or "thumbs up" on your pictures or other people's pictures when they were tanned or simply have a dark skin tone.

I got tired of having to see, listen and eventually (unconsciously) analyse people's preferences on skin tones.

Sure, they can have whatever skin tone preferences they like. I won't be bothered or even giving any thoughts or care any longer about it.

When I'm light, it's cool. When I'm dark, it's also cool.

As I reflected my thoughts on this topic, I came to realize that my only happiness and pride should not come from the society or what the society or certain people (I like) prefer or like. 

I like my skin tone light and I like my skin tone dark. And you should too. You're gorgeous and magnificent in whatever your skin tone is. 

What matters the most is your heart and how much contribution you can make for others through anything you're doing in life. It can be through your job, words that you spread to others in person or through social medias, or just simply be there for them and listen to what they want to say.

I'm not writing this because people still say that I have light skin tone (and that happens to be what most Indonesians like). If you've been following my writings till this line, then I'm sure you know how I've dealt with jealousy over people with dark tones.

I'm writing this because everyone is indeed perfect in their own tones.

If you happen to find anyone who likes you just because they think you have a certain skin tone that they happen to like or match with their preferences but don't consider you as a whole person with your personality, interests, thoughts, values and heart, then screw them. Because they never actually deserve you. Because once they happen to see other person with a skin tone much more "exotic" or "light" than yours, no doubt they will leave you.

They need to realize you are much more worthy than to be judged by the "cover".

Also, if you're already proud and confident of your own tone, then congrats 🎇🎊🎉🎈. Keep up the great work and never over-embrace your tones to the point that others feel insecure with their own tones and end up making them want to change.

So, do not change yourself to become someone you wish somebody or others you think would like you even more.

Do not change your skin tone just because someone said "I like you a lot. But I would like you more if you had darker/lighter skin tone." Or "I like you when you're dark/light-skinned." You don't have any problem at all with your skin tones. The only problem exists is in the minds of those people.

You have much more to live than to bother yourself with such people🌞. Physical/outer beauty fades but inner beauty never does. I just hope you're blessed with this post and that you'll continue to become who you really are🌻.

Then again, question of the day; why did God even bother creating so many different skin tones if in the end, He "nominated" certain tones to be considered "gorgeous, perfect and/or 'exotic'"?

-Kezia-