Hedwig Thereount Haldane

By Kezia Tania - Friday, August 14, 2020

Have you ever thought of how good your gut feeling is?

Well, I have. Most of the times.

Most of the times, I have a really good instinct (or feeling as we may call it) of nearly anything. I don't even know why but I just have it, I think. I take it as a gift since not everyone has it anyway.

Do those gut feelings always lead me to good things?

Sometimes.

Sometimes it screws me as if it hits me on the face and draws me down to a deep water, sometimes it saves me from anything that may drag me to bad lucks and all.

Sometimes I feel like I'm too dumb as I often feel something suspicious on something (or someone, for instance) and yet, I still think that it's not exactly the way I see it. As you know, trusting your own gut feelings may seem like you got a 6th sense but being a rational person you are, you believe that it's not enough to take any kind of action through that. 

You need more evidence.

Something strong enough to make you believe your gut feeling.

Real evidence.

Something that will slap you right on your face to make yourself conscious enough to be rational and not living the days like you used to.

I usually gather all the possibilities and information that strikes my curiosity over some things and if I find some which seem to be suspicious, I would do either;

  1. Do further research on it, or;
  2. Gain more information from something or someone I believe has better knowledge regarding the things that I currently suspect
Sometimes going with the second choice is the best way you can do. But sometimes the resources you got are something you may want to consider as trash.

Rubbish.

And those trash (or rubbish) should've been thrown away to the trashcan (or bin).

You shouldn't be close to them since they're toxic and have way too much gross stuffs you definitely did, do and will not ever need in your whole entire life.

This evening I raised my hand to God. Praying for something I had been working on. 

I said I needed an answer.
Whatever the answer would be.

I needed a clue.

I needed something to get myself rid of the things that had been bugging me inside.

And he answered me.

Saya sangat bersyukur.

Belum pernah saya merasa doa saya dijawab begitu cepat (ya, dalam hitungan beberapa jam saja!) dan belum pernah saya merasa seperti ingin menangis dan se-gemetar ini jari saya rasanya mengetik postingan kali ini.

Ya, saya ingin menangis (sangat sangat ingin sekali, jika boleh mengabaikan EYD).

Tapi saya nggak bisa.

Pernah merasakan seperti itu?

Ingin sekali menangis tapi air mata pun nggak bisa keluar sama sekali.

Ada hal yang lucu dari pengalaman ini. Firasat saya sudah benar adanya, jauh dari beberapa bulan yang lalu namun saya masih saja mengabaikan firasat itu. Saya pikir, mungkin saja itu hanya kebetulan. Mungkin saja itu hanya diri saya yang terlalu teoritis; terlalu menghubung-hubungkan hal yang belum tentu benar keberadaannya namun sudah saya teorikan sendiri dan berujung pada kesimpulan atau hasil yang saya sendiri tidak mau mengakuinya.

Karena saya skeptis.

Itulah sebabnya mengapa saya tidak terlalu mudah memercayai sesuatu (atau seseorang).

Karena saya skeptis.

Saya masih terus berupaya mengumpulkan lebih banyak sumber valid yang dapat menjadi bukti yang kuat (sangat kuat bahkan) agar saya pada akhirnya dapat mengambil keputusan yang tepat untuk diri saya sendiri, setidaknya.

Karena saya skeptis.

Saya masih mempertanyakan diri saya sendiri hingga detik ini setelah lewat mungkin setengah jam lebih yang lalu (45 menit? Satu jam?) setelah saya berhasil mendapatkan jawaban itu.

Karena saya skeptis.

Saya masih bisa berpikir secara rasional.

It's so weird actually.

Saya merasa sedikit (hanya sejumput) bahagia. Turut karenanya. 

Saya pikir saya akan histeris. Saya pikir saya akan menangis sejadi-jadinya. Saya pikir saya akan merasakan kebencian dan dendam yang nggak akan pernah bisa saya bayangkan dalam dan membekasnya di diri saya sendiri.

Tapi ternyata toh, jauh dari itu semua.

Saya bahkan merasa sangat lega. Mungkin juga karena saya sendiri sudah membuat teori dan rangkuman jauh sebelum jawaban sebenarnya saya dapatkan.

Ya. Mungkin hal ini tidak semengejutkan yang saya bayangkan karena pada mulanya memang saya sudah prediksi.

Prediksi saya benar.
Bidikan saya tepat.
Dan saya sangat menyukuri kemampuan saya yang tak lain dan tak bukan adalah pemberian dari Yang Maha Kuasa.

God is good.

Dia berikan saya kelegaan yang tak tertandingi.

God is good.

Dia gak biarkan saya terjerumus ke lubang yang lebih dalam.

God is good.

Tuhan (rupanya) masih sangat sayang dengan saya.

Dia menarik saya dari lubang itu dengan tali dan saya kembali berada di dasar yang paling tinggi. Dengan beberapa luka lecet dan gores di sebagian kaki dan lengan saya, tentunya.

But hey.
It's worth the pain. The effort. The wait. The truth.

I actually feel bad for the being(s) involved.

Tapi biarkanlah.

Toh, bukan urusan saya.

Saya masih punya masa depan.

Saya masih punya cita-cita yang masih ingin saya gapai.

Saya masih punya lebih banyak hal berharga lainnya yang jauh lebih penting.

Untuk saya, tentu saja. Bukan untuk orang lain.

Setidaknya untuk saat ini.

I want to be selfish for a bit from now on.

Sudah terlalu lama saya membantu orang sejauh ini. Mungkin ada baiknya saya istirahat sejenak dari aktivitas tersebut dan fokus pada diri saya sendiri.

Tidak akan lama, kok.

Hanya sebentar.

Hanya sebentar.

Until I'm ready to thrive.

No, actually. I'm always ready to thrive. And I will continue to thrive without giving a single thing of something (or someone) that may have the possibilities of destructing myself and my future.

Terima kasih, Tuhan.

Terima kasih.

Karena ini, saya jadi bisa berkarya.

Karena ini, saya jadi bisa lebih bebas.

Karena ini, saya jadi bisa jauh lebih baik.

Karena ini, saya mungkin bisa jadi berkat untuk orang lain, dan melihat berkat perpanjanganNya melalui pengalaman orang lain sebelumnya dan keberadaan orang-orang lain yang sebelumnya belum pernah saya 'tengok'.

To top it all off, I actually indeed feel like tons of what feels like a yoke has finally gone from my shoulder. Like someone just take it away from me, which is GREAT.

I no longer have to worry and feel like it's a "must" to check on the things anymore. I no longer feel like it's my duty anymore.

I instead, feel like my responsibility over that has finally gone.
It's paid off.

And I'm thankful for that.

Doaku sekarang hanya satu: to be able to believe in my gut feelings and take everything I doubt into the prayers.


He replied, "I do not know whether he is a sinner. I do know one thing - that although I was blind, now I can see." - John 9:25 (NET)

"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavily burdened [by religious rituals that provide no peace], and I will give you rest [refreshing your souls with salvation]. - Matthew 11:28, (AMP) 

After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace [who imparts His blessing and favor], who called you to His own eternal glory in Christ, will Himself complete, confirm, strengthen, and establish you [making you what you ought to be]. - 1 Peter 5:10 (AMP)

And we know [with great confidence] that God [who is deeply concerned about us] causes all things to work together [as a plan] for good for those who love God, to those who are called according to His plan and purpose. - Romans 8:28 (AMP) 

A happy heart is good medicine and a joyful mind causes healing, but a broken spirit dries up the bones. - Proverbs 17:22 (AMP)

"For thus says the Lord, 'Your wound is incurable And your injury is beyond healing. - Jeremiah 30:12 (AMP)

The Lord will strike Egypt, striking but healing it; so they will return to the Lord, and He will respond to them and heal them. - Isaiah 19:22 (AMP) 

Let yourself 'dissolve' in the pain. Let it leave a wound in your heart and on yourself.

But not too long.

Just remember to always let God involves in healing you.

And you will be lifted up, thriving as a beautiful person you already are and has been created as.

Things will change. So much better than you can ever expect.

Time will heal.

God will heal you. And there's nothing to worry about. Nothing to be afraid of. 

It's not that by being a believer you're not supposed to lose rational thinking, stay "naïve" and decide to eliminate critical thinking of what your surroundings may be the obstacles for you.

But you need to know that nothing is going to stop you from thriving and enjoying your life as its best.

And by what's best is exactly what God wants the best for you.

He legit knows the best things for you. He knows the best paths for you.

You will be surprised by how His healing will lead you to meet many more blessings you will receive through and in anything, anyone, anytime very soon.

May all of us have a long and happy life!

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Kezia Tania

I'm amazed by how small things in life are actually the things you'll remember the most. The things that you finally realize, they were the big things that's ever happened in your life. Enjoy every step of your life in every single thing you do :) [My blog is under maintenance at the moment as I'm making changes here and there on the design!]

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