I should be continuing my thesis by now but something has called me into writing this post. Some questions just easily pop out of my mind and some I earn through talking to other people (whether or not I actually like talking to people with great insights and minds).

When it comes to wondering about things (or perhaps even zoning out), sometimes I question what kind of thing is considered a 'passion'? Some people might think a passion is something related to your hobby, or something that gives you an essential of life. Well, I must say I don't disagree with them, but what exactly is a 'passion'?

Sometimes I look at others and think that what they enjoy doing must have been their passion.

I was raised by parents who are both musicians and doing things related to music and composing. Everything that evolves around them is purely music. I would say their passion is music. But then a lot of people would straightly point at me and be like, "you're their daughter. Your passion must have been the same with theirs," which I think is a bit ignorant.

Or some people would see me and wonder what my 'real passion' is because they see me not having a particular fondness over something so specific.

Why bother making a passion as something specific if one can easily enjoy doing whatever they like?

To me, it's merely a game of words; you see something that interests you more than other things in this world, and you try to find the right word to call what it is: passion.

I'm not writing this to demonstrate a new movement of "allowing something that is not even okay to be allowed" as in, allowing people "not to have a passion at all" because really, I think the word 'passion' should be straightened up here (and people should know it too).

The word passion in our modern world has changed into something to eliminate others into feeling "exclusive". Some people claiming they have a passion would feel so special about themselves for having a thing or two that they happen to be more interested in than with other things in life and I think it's great. People can finally find something that makes them feel good about themselves, something that makes them feel special and unique; a personality, a name, something to distinguish their presence in the society.

But would such definition and the credits it gives to people having something called as a passion define others who claim for not having a passion as "someone who doesn't have a passion"?

So what exactly is a passion?

Growing up, we were taught to "follow our dreams" or "find our passion" or have something that we enjoy doing to the point we forgot the essence of doing them.

We were taught to focus more on defining a subject or two that we would like to follow or set as a cornerstone in living our lives a.k.a what we want to be or do in life. We prepared and tried so hard to find the object without knowing the objective.

So you've found what you want to be or do in life. Now what?

Perhaps we forgot to ask why on the first place we wanted to be or do those things in life.

You see, some people might dodge my writing on this post and be like, "passion is not about the object one wants to be or do in life but rather the enjoyment of being or doing it". Well, kudos to you for not seeing a passion as the object but the essence of it.

Now, if we've coned down the definition of passion itself, would a person with no particular fondness over something so specific in life be considered as someone who has a passion?

You see yourself as someone who enjoys lots of things and topics in life with the same amount of interests, be it reading, literature, politics, singing, playing music instruments, drawing, art, culture, to collecting stones from different streets you've walked in your town.

So what's your 'actual' passion?

I believe the question itself shouldn't bother anyone being asked into answering it.

You could be enjoying all your activities and talking about various topics and still calling it a passion. People shouldn't necessarily feel the need to choose a specific thing and set it up as their passion. Passion is not something that defines who you are as a person. Passion is not some kind of things that 'distinguish' anyone from the society. You can still 'not having a passion' (for God knows what the modern society defines the word passion is) and live life to the fullest. 

So why bother forcing yourself into setting a topic or a thing as your 'passion' if you are sure you can survive, be happy and just literally enjoy all the things the life can offer to you to the fullest?

It's okay to have a lot of different things and topics you are interested in and 'not settling down to specific topics or things that the society would define as passion'.

Surviving in the era of social media turns people into wanting to 'show off' of what they are capable of doing (or being) because it's a digital world, a cyberspace and people want to look their best for strangers to see. Competitions between others profiles on social media turns people into wanting to have an 'identity' to distinguish them from the society and some of them came up by choosing a topic, maybe a profession, or something they like as a passion.

I'm not saying we shouldn't share what we are fond of on the internet and just stay silent and be apathetic. I'm saying that knowing others claim to have a passion in life should never bother us into forcefully choosing something to define who we are.

We are who we are and we're the one who decide how we want to live our lives.

Some people might look like they have something as a passion, or making them feel dedicated or important but that's just it. That's how they want to be seen by strangers on the internet and that shouldn't be something we 'admire' or be attracted too damn much and even less, making it as a competition towards others.

You can go to your 9-5 job every single day like a regular office employee and still be liking your life and even enjoying what you are doing as a 'boring' office worker. That is a passion.

You can practice learning new things and still calling it a passion because you enjoy finding out new things to explore in life.

You can have many random activities even if it's not frequently done and call it a passion because you don't feel like you've failed but instead, entertained. 

You can meet strangers and discuss various topics in life and call it a passion because it helps you to exchange insights with lots of different perspectives.

You can do everyday routines which some would call as 'too plain' or even 'no actual life at all' and still calling it a passion because you enjoy your routines.

Many things in life we do and enjoy and yet we still refuse to call them as a passion because we tend to think that a passion is something that has to define specifically, and even to distinguish who we are from the society. We are afraid of being a so-called "mediocre" if we can't have those things when really having those things doesn't mean someone is enjoying their lives as much as we are.

Let others have their own stage in their own world while we're enjoying what we like to do or be (or even what we would like to try in the future). Let's just be zen and focus on ourselves because being who we are and what we would like to do, be, or achieve to enjoy life to the fullest is the greatest thing anyone could ever done for themselves.

-Kezia

Well hello there whoever currently is reading my blog. I noticed I haven't post anything since January and that means, it's been 4 months since my last post. I may have never mentioned about my birthday but now that I'm 24 years old, some things do change around me (or maybe just everyone growing old).

Lately, I've been feeling like there's something 'calling' myself to think about a certain topic that I have never talked about with anyone and that's about skin tone. As a woman, a young adult to be precise, I can't lie but to admit that I have also had times when I was insecure about myself. My skin tone.

This started when I was younger, probably around 9-10 years old. I used to have a dark tone originally compared to my friends back then and I loved to play outside. I had always been playing outside under the sun and perhaps it's what made me looked even darker (I wish I could put a picture of those times but considering I don't really like showing myself to the internet unless for those I actually trust, then no pictures I suppose😛). I played kites, hide and seek, I played with muds and dirt and everything (yikes, I know. I was such a "nature kid" but I'm proud of it. At least I've had such experience in the past).

Then as I grew up, I barely played outside as my neighborhood friends were also getting busier at school and we basically didn't have enough time to actually played outside anymore and so my skin turned slightly lighter as I stayed inside most of the times, but still I considered myself looked dark. And I didn't like that.

So I had tried certain skin products that claimed to make skin tones brighter (the so-called "whitening" products, SPF-you-name-how-much-the-number-is, etc.), tried to avoid the sunlight as much as I could and I did get lighter and brighter to the point that people noticed it and compared how much I've changed. They said I was prettier and that back in the day before that, I was so much darker.

I wasn't insulted at all. In fact I was proud and happy. To me, it showed how much my effort was paid off and how I could be just like anyone else. Just like the society. Reaching the 'beauty standard' in Indonesia.

But then I came to 'meet' people offline and online and saw people online, mostly those who are "whites" and of course I have always known that they have a different 'beauty standard' than what we have here in Asia. They love dark tones and consider Indonesians with "our original skin tone" is gorgeous and "exotic".

Then this kind of toxic thought had a chance to change me. For a bit. But not for a long time.

This toxic thought made me believe that it's true. That dark tones are "exotic". That dark tones are much more beautiful. That light tones are considered nothing at all there. And that if you keep your tones dark, even the "original native Indonesian" tones, you will be seen as a gorgeous exotic queen in their world. 

This had a chance to make me feel like I wanted to be under the sun as much as I could. I wanted to get my "original native Indonesia" tone back. I wanted to look dark. I wanted to look "exotic". I wanted to look gorgeous. I wanted to look outstanding. I wanted to attract these people. I didn't want to keep my light tone any longer.

But this toxic thought apparently had no power against myself.

It didn't last long.

"Original native Indonesian skin".

I scoffed. That phrase came to my ears as if the world only knew that us Indonesians only have the so-called "dark and exotic skin tones" (or perhaps it is what the world actually knows and believes). They forgot (and apparently, made us forget) that Indonesia have so many different skin tones from "light" to "dark" or from "dark" to "light".

Being light or having light tones doesn't make you less Indonesian or less "exotic". Not at all.

And I got tired of the phrases like "dark tones are exotic" and "light tones are gorgeous".

I got tired of people saying they prefer dark tones because they have light tones and people saying they prefer light tones because they have dark tones. Or people saying they prefer dark tones because they indeed already have dark tones and people saying they prefer light tones because they indeed already have light tones.

Why making a fuss?

Why did I care too much about people and societies' preferences on "beautiful skin tones"?

Why did I put so much effort into making myself liked by others?

Why didn't I try to just simply be myself; with any skin tones that I have, whether it's light or dark, whatever people say about me?

Why didn't I just be proud of myself and how I was built?

Why did I become so easily insecure about myself?

I'm writing this because for several times I've had hard times keeping myself confident about myself. And people over-embracing and over-proud of their own skin tones also had driven me insane.

I got jealous by those who over-proud of their dark tones. Because they knew they were "exotic" and the "whites" (or "bule", as we call the white foreigners here in Indonesia) love them (so what?) and so they post too many pictures of themselves showing and embracing their dark skin to the internet. I got jealous and fiery by those who showed to the world that they were glad, happy and confident of their dark tones (even if they didn't explicitly state that through their captions). I got jealous by those who knew (even if they never written that in their captions) that the "white males" would die to get and have such an "exotic" woman like them. Or that the "white females" would die to get a dark skin like them, blah blah blah.

I got offended by those who preferred light tones were better and that it stated that it was the cleanest and most gorgeous skin tone of all times and that it was what made you easier to find a job here in Indonesia, and blah blah blah.

I got tired of all their preferences. Or when people said "You were dark? That's sooo cool😍😍" or gave you "likes" or "thumbs up" on your pictures or other people's pictures when they were tanned or simply have a dark skin tone.

I got tired of having to see, listen and eventually (unconsciously) analyse people's preferences on skin tones.

Sure, they can have whatever skin tone preferences they like. I won't be bothered or even giving any thoughts or care any longer about it.

When I'm light, it's cool. When I'm dark, it's also cool.

As I reflected my thoughts on this topic, I came to realize that my only happiness and pride should not come from the society or what the society or certain people (I like) prefer or like. 

I like my skin tone light and I like my skin tone dark. And you should too. You're gorgeous and magnificent in whatever your skin tone is. 

What matters the most is your heart and how much contribution you can make for others through anything you're doing in life. It can be through your job, words that you spread to others in person or through social medias, or just simply be there for them and listen to what they want to say.

I'm not writing this because people still say that I have light skin tone (and that happens to be what most Indonesians like). If you've been following my writings till this line, then I'm sure you know how I've dealt with jealousy over people with dark tones.

I'm writing this because everyone is indeed perfect in their own tones.

If you happen to find anyone who likes you just because they think you have a certain skin tone that they happen to like or match with their preferences but don't consider you as a whole person with your personality, interests, thoughts, values and heart, then screw them. Because they never actually deserve you. Because once they happen to see other person with a skin tone much more "exotic" or "light" than yours, no doubt they will leave you.

They need to realize you are much more worthy than to be judged by the "cover".

Also, if you're already proud and confident of your own tone, then congrats 🎇🎊🎉🎈. Keep up the great work and never over-embrace your tones to the point that others feel insecure with their own tones and end up making them want to change.

So, do not change yourself to become someone you wish somebody or others you think would like you even more.

Do not change your skin tone just because someone said "I like you a lot. But I would like you more if you had darker/lighter skin tone." Or "I like you when you're dark/light-skinned." You don't have any problem at all with your skin tones. The only problem exists is in the minds of those people.

You have much more to live than to bother yourself with such people🌞. Physical/outer beauty fades but inner beauty never does. I just hope you're blessed with this post and that you'll continue to become who you really are🌻.

Then again, question of the day; why did God even bother creating so many different skin tones if in the end, He "nominated" certain tones to be considered "gorgeous, perfect and/or 'exotic'"?

-Kezia-